A mother’s tears are powerful. It could be a weapon that can change circumstances or a child’s life course when poured with much love.
To cry or not to cry? If you’re a woman it is alright to cry your heart out. But if you’re a man, you have to hold yourself. At least that is what we used to hear. But do we all agree?, I don’t. Yet today, it is also important to ask, “What can a mother’s tears do?”
“I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat”. Winston Churchill
I am a mother yet I don’t cry often. But like some men and women that I know, I too cry whenever I am led to intense prayer. Shedding tears also when I have to say goodbye to some nice people knowing I may not see again. Also, I shed tears when my friend’s dad died and when touched by God’s Words. But other than these, I can’t remember crying quite often.
Knowing that tears are in a way, beneficial, I reserved them for special moments and people. One moment was when I become a mother. On becoming a mother, I learned that a mother’s tears can cause circumstances to change.
My, when did that happened?
It was late in May when I gave birth to my son. At first, everything went smooth and quick. People say that I am more than blessed not to share in the pain of birth labor. I actually gave birth on the first day of my maternity leave. The tedious turn-over of responsibilities at the office may have contributed to the sudden rupture of the membrane. Yet, all I know that day was, they rushed me to the hospital and a few minutes after, my son is being welcomed to the world.
Everything went so well and easy, and I was feeling grateful and contented. Our relatives also are quite excited. My son is the first grandchild on both my family and that of my husband’s. Reason enough for his arrival to the family much awaited.
An uninvited guest
But when everything seems perfect. We have an uninvited guest that is not quite accommodating. The storm. During my son’s first 14 days, the sun could not show up as the rain kept pouring. Day after day, we waited for the sun to greet us, but he couldn’t show up. Then one day my friend came by and said some weird things and insisted that we have to go for a checkup. Being the first baby at home, the family got alarmed and all agree that we should bring him to the hospital.
Upon arrival, a nurse ushered us to the emergency room. Then, what used to be a peaceful day turned into a chaos. My intuition suggests that something is wrong.
An Unnerving moment for mothers
I stood there speechless, yet as I see all those movements, I become more convinced that something is wrong. I watched as a nurse get a blood sample, while others are checking my son’s vital signs. All there expressions are telling me that my son is in danger. Add to that, the nurse who is trying to insert an IV on my son’s arm is having a hard time. Giving up, she inserted the IV on one of his legs instead.
After some time, the doctor arrived. He came in asked for the records then check on my son. His facial expression tells me, this got to be serious. Finally, when he asked for us, the parents my heart started to pump harder.
He approached and explained that all symptoms show that our son is suffering from sepsis. Whatever that is, I didn’t understand so he went ahead and explained the treatment process. My son needed incubation right away. Has to take some medicines and antibiotics and will be confined to the intensive care unit. And if there is no progress with his health, they have to work things out with his blood.
A mother’s tears are often held back for them to become strong
I could not fully absorb what the doctor was saying as my tears were about to flow. For watching my son from a distance, I realized that his tiny body laid on that bed is quite a pitiful sight. Also, he’s been crying but no tears flowed from his eyes. His feet though are aimless in kicking, which seemed to me, like a drowning person trying to swim for life. Looking at him that way, I decided I can’t cry. Even as my tears are about to flow, I held it back and thought, I must be strong for him.
“Tears are a positive representation of who we are. It demonstrates not only our deep emotional connections with our world – past, present, and future – but allows us to visibly celebrate that fact. They are also scientifically proven to make you feel better. ” Dr. Nick Knight
But what could be wrong if I shed a tear after all this is my son? Tears, as mentioned above, are not signs of weakness. Still, I decided to hold my tears back because I know that the moment, I let down my emotion I won’t be able to think straight.
That first night at the hospital, I stood at the NICU watching and staying alert for anything my baby would need. It was the night he cried the most in pain and in discomfort.
A mother’s tears held back even when hoping for the sun is all that she can do
As the night dragged on, I longed for daytime and wished for the sun. Yet again the day came but the sun never showed up. I am feeling more helpless than ever and my face is as gloomy as the weather. Add to that, I am almost depressed that I can’t breastfeed my son nor can I cuddle him anytime I want. He has to stay incubated and I can only stay up to attend to his needs. These were the longest days and nights of my entire life. And whenever he cries in pain, I cringed and wanted to hold him as it pains my heart feeling the pain in his cries.
Relief came when we got transferred to our room. Things are getting better aside from the growing concern for my son’s skin color and weight. At our room, I often stood over his incubator hanging on for him. Though often times feeling sleepy and drowsy, I still can’t bring myself to sleep. I drew my strength whenever I see even a small change in his color or see a flicker of hope in his eyes. My hope for the best made me strong those days.
Finally, after two weeks, the weather got better. My son also had completed his medication. His doctors then discharged him, but with strict orders that I commit to regular checkup. I said yes to all their instructions said goodbye to those kind hospital staffs and head home.
A Mother’s tears held back as she hangs on for a small flicker of hope
Home finally, and though tired and weary, I am so free. Some relatives and some friends come by to greet us. But soon their whispers sounded louder than noise for my ears. The sad truth; my son is tinier now than when he was born. He also weighed much lighter while his eyes are also quite big for his tiny face. And his skin, the color is unacceptable, it is too dark for him.
But I did not see those. All I saw is the sign of hope that my son is fighting for his life. Other’s however, saw a life that is ebbing away. Though they hoped the best for us when we were still at the hospital they were expecting a better result, not this. So, I thought, I saw my son’s progress chart and his test results were fine, could the doctors have been mistaken?
When a mother’s tears flow it storms
Confused, worried, tired and exhausted. I locked myself with my son in the room. I laid him on the bed and watched as he sleeps, he seemed to be enjoying peace. Then I realized that he seldom wakes up. In fact, my mother had scolded me for not waking him up so he could drink his milk every now and then. At that moment, I’m feeling sudden goosebumps, and then my tears started flowing. I did not feel them coming at first, they come flowing all of a sudden and I didn’t dare hold them back this time. I know I have come to my end.
Yes, I finally shed them, those tears that I’ve been holding back then now flows. Free and seemed endless. They flowed like water on my face and dropped like raindrops on the bed. My uncontrolled sobbing complemented my tears. And for the first time after my son’s birth, I was in harmony with the storm that is pouring uncontrolled on the rooftops.
But somewhere in my heart, is a whisper, a whisper of hope! Crying and sobbing, I took the courage to whisper a prayer. It was too soft for me to even hear but too loud to be ignored. A prayer that is full of heart and a prayer that had changed my perspective as a mother forever. I prayed,
“God, I’m surrendering my son, he’s yours now. I’m sorry that I can’t take care of him. I tried but my best did not work out to keep him alive and healthy. Take good care of him yourself for I know that you love him more than I do.”
Sacredness in a mother’s tears
I could not finish off my prayer for I went on crying my heart out in utter surrender. My God must have loved that small prayer. For I never had to worry about my son ever again. Those gloomy days started becoming brighter. The rain finally had enough and had allowed the sun to show up and greet us every morning. From that moment on, regardless of what I see on my son’s progress, I did not waver. I put my hope to the relief and peace I received after crying my heart out in surrender to God.
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love”. Washington Irving
Weeks and months pass, and the whole family was happy again. We know that we have been through another storm of life but had come out victorious.
Today, as I stood on the terrace, I saw my son running home from school. Then I heard his footstep as he climbs up the stair into the room. On his way, he saw me and said, “Hi mom, I’m home”. He then threw his bag on the bed and run downstairs for some snacks.
I smiled and committed to memory how, as a mother, I held my tears back to be strong but finally, let them flow so that I can have him back again. A mother’s tears have the power to move the heart of God and when God moves on your behalf you’d be more than blessed.
“A mother’s tears held back for her to become strongerer but made to flow for the better” – sanctuarest.com
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